Expectations can be challenging to deal with, but did you know you already have the streamlined capability to make expectations part of your recipe for success? Come find out a little bit more about how to tweak your expectations to be a huge productivity boost!
Happy Friday everybody. How are we all doing? How are you feeling about 2021? How do you like being in a new month of a new year? So far, I think it's just fine.
Today being the first Friday of the month we have our challenge for the month. These challenges are meant to at the very least be a thought provoking exercise, and at the best spark simple but impactful change in your life. Also remembering that challenges are as original as getting started with life. Life is meant to be a series of experiences that challenge us to improve even incrementally, but that is where the artistry develops.
This month I want you to think and challenge your expectations. I am talking about the assumed expectations in our lives, not the outlined ones your boss gives you in a performance review, and not talking about the expectations that are more like daydreams. The filler fluff of expecting or assuming certain things will happen. Your assumptions.
Expectations are a part of everyday life and I will show you why that is critical in your development, and you're not about to rewrite that code. Expectations are really really good, until they are not functional. None of that is really going to make sense until I break this down just a little bit more. So first, we are going to talk about the agreement of expectations, then we are going to talk about the functionality of expectations, and finally we will take steps to what I call qualify or disqualify our expectations to be work more productively for us.
Let's chat about expectations. Expectations are a belief that something will happen or be the case. Now I don't want you to think that is all bad. Let's rewind just a little bit and talk about the agreements of reality. We have either been taught, observed, witnessed or experienced the reality that we perceive. Most of what we "know" to be true is handed off to us from the knowledge of those who have come before us. We accepted the reality that our moms knew the stove was hot, or believed our dad that the busy street was dangerous, before we had to experience those situations on our own. We learned what made siblings mad, or hurt, or afraid, and then we assumed others would act similar. Of the millions of things we have learned in our lives, we have accumulated our knowledge by so many cues, observations, and yes, expectations. We have an unspoken agreement of expectations in order to quickly accumulate the knowledge we need in our brains to adapt and grow. This is a good thing. You are a highly capable human species. You can accumulate knowledge without consciously knowing. You know how the bank lobby smells. You know something looks off when your neighbor parks in a new spot. You are highly observant whether or not you use your conscious to make your observations or not. You made many agreements (non verbal and most likely unconsciously) in order to accumulate your knowledge. You agreed to certain people you saw as authority figures, as well as information that was handed down by tradition. What shampoo did your mother always buy and why? Where did your Dad like to take you for dinner? Those habitual choices seemed to come out of tradition. Whereas choices like wash your hands after the bathroom may have come from your parent, but you really started believing it in your science class when you grew the bacteria from your hand on a petri dish. These sources have their benefits. For one thing, it eliminates you having to choose all these things every single time. Your brain gets decision fatigue thinking about new things over and over again, but when it is asked to make a decision an authority figure or decided by tradition, your brain takes the easy choice and veers toward the known outcome. The expected outcome. Again, it's the belief that something will happen or be the case.
This is where we move from talking about the agreement of expectations to the functionality of expectations.
Expectations are functional because we need to predict what will happen, we need an expectation of what is about to become a reality. Where we begin to get ourselves in trouble is when we start gliding on our complacent expectations. Many, many of our expected outcomes happen, and therefore we are not going to address each tiny tidbit such as how you expect the lights to all go green at some point, and they in fact do. What we are talking about is where our expectations begin to generate friction. Let's not go straight to conflict when I mention friction, because momentum needs friction to have a direct path of motion. So, when I say your expectations generate friction, think of it like the friction that slows a bike wheel with the brakes. The wheel is slowed minimally, unless the friction is increased, then the bike wheel stops. But if you are the person riding the bike, and the brakes continually drag on the wheels you are experiencing an undue amount of strain to keep moving. Expectations generate friction sometimes, for better and for worse, and we just need to know what that is about. Expectations are markers for what we expect out of our lives. This is what makes them functional. We have already agreed to them, but in some cases we need to take accountability for what we expect in a given situation. We need to know why it is causing friction and if that creates a pain point, how do we manage it, push through or divert energy? For example, I am great at expecting to see results in the gym without changing much of my input. I show up, therefore I should get to be fit looking. My expectation of fit looking varies based on how my self-perception varies, but that is another topic for another day. The point here is that sometimes I have to take an accounting of how my actions are either complacent or correctional. Complacency can be pleasant, and easier, and necessary. Correctional can be minimal or it can be complete overhaul remodel. My efforts at the gym cannot be that if I just show up, I should get results, simply because there is no accounting for the effort it may take to get me to the fitness level I desire. This is where we begin the work of qualification.
Now that we have in a lengthy discussion established that there are so many expectations that we don't need to worry about, address, or change, let's talk about the expectations causing issues. If you have an expectation of someone else it is your problem. Yes, you heard that right. They have their own expectations in their own head. Until you bring them into your experience by communicating (VERBALLY most of the time), it is your business that you expect that. If you have communicated an expectation, it has been reasonably negotiated and/or agreed to, and they don't perform up to the expectation that is a qualified boundary to enforce, as it was your expectation. It's a tough road sometimes, but that is only related to other people.
Let's focus on the expectations you have for yourself. Have you had a heart to heart with yourself with reasonable or unreasonable expectations in mind? Now, I know that this is not for everyone at this point in time. It is hard to change habits, especially ones no one else seems to care about. But let me ask you some pointed questions to get you started. What is your expectation of what happens when you look at yourself in the mirror? Do you expect to find faults? What kind of faults? Lipstick on the teeth, or something you feel is fundamentally unlikeable? If you don't like the answers, disqualify them as expectations you want for yourself.
Let's try one more little exercise. Breathe in for a minute, and out. Alright, How about your expectation for your motivation level. Do you talk to yourself in should form? I should want to get up earlier. I should love to do laundry. I should love to interact with my unlikeable neighbor. Or do you talk to yourself in an encouraging way. I know that I did my best, it did not give me the satisfaction I was looking for, so I wonder what small change I can make for the better. Depending on your answer, you can decide to qualify your expectation as meaningful or disqualify it to be corrected.
Those little expectations add up. The little nags, the little hits to confidence. Out of the 10s of thousands of thoughts we have every single day, the vast majority are criticisms or negative. How many can you turn to the positive side. How many ways can you like you? How many goodnesses can you add to your inner dialogue. And remember come of those expectations, okay, MOST of your expectations you can thank others for. Remember there is a social agreement to absorb information quickly through expectations given from others. You're in charge of the inventory, and you can clean house any time you want, even small or simple changes can have a drastic positive impact.
Alright, we talked about the agreement of expectations and how we absorbed them into our realities, then we talked about the functionality of expectations, and finally we talked through a few steps to what I call qualifying or disqualifying our expectations to work much more productively for our progression.
The theme this month is about expectations, and I will be reminding you of the challenge to take a peek at your own expectations. I would love to hear your thoughts about any expectations you may have recognized as being significant, so engage on social media, or email me at podcast@theoliverfund.org.