Our first ever book review!! We talk about Don Miguel Ruiz book The Four Agreements. This is in relation to changing our expectations to work for us, and to work better for us!
Where to Buy:
Happy Friday! Happy Valentine's Day weekend everyone! WE have an extra long weekend with the kids out of school we have had a five day weekend (one distance learning day)! It's been awesome to just let the kids relax and get into their home groove. February has been good to us, and so I have no complaints to share, and my hope is that it has been good to all of you listening as well. I have to just take a moment and express some gratitude at this point. This weekend marks another Valentine's Day for our family, and Valentine's Day is a day of love and gratitude for our son Oliver who passed away on Valentines 2009. We spend it less romantically and more locally showing up to serve. If you'd like more on Oliver, you can go back to Episode 9 way back and hear more about his short life and his profound influence. I am grateful for all of you listening ears that have put us in the top 10% of all podcasts in the last 12 months, and I want to let all of you that have been contacting me and telling me about what you love, I am grateful, and shameless plug, I would be even more grateful if you would type it into the podcast review box wherever you listen to your podcasts! Thank you for a wonderful year!
We are on to Episode 46! This February month we are talking expectations. If you missed it, last week in Episode 45 I talked about expectations and how to manage them, take them on, and ultimately make them work for you. Today, I want to introduce a book about altering your expectations for your betterment. It is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Now, this book has an introductory chapter that is intimidating to many people. Please do not let that deter you. I am going to give you a summary of the book in this episode somewhat, but also be advised, I cannot know every situation. I loved this book. I read excerpts to my kids at night before bed, and we talk about certain things. It's a discussion prompting book, and it's only 138 pages long.
The four agreements are about the assumptions and lies we learn and tell ourselves. Remember last week that we talked about the agreement of expectations last week. You will want that information before I jump into this week. Essentially to summarize: We agree to preconceived opinions, assumptions, and expectations for a streamlined learning experience. We cannot experience every tiny detail first hand, and because of that we rely on the experience of those around us, particularly if they come from a role empowered by tradition or if the experience comes from someone with authority. So, we learn opinions, expectations, and assumptions that may not be our own. The four agreements help us to clear up any confusion about our expectations, especially if they did not begin with us.
So, first today we will go through each of the four, and I will give you a small rundown of how they helped me, and how they might help you. After that rundown, I want to send you into this weekend with a clarification of what expectations may look like that you want to address, and a tip for how to manage that, because take it from me, they don't come through at times that are always simple and convenient. Here's how to deal with that little bit of trauma.
Alright, Agreement One: Be Impeccable with your Word. My first impression of this was assumed to be a discourse on honesty. And to be fair, it is, but it is also talking about treating your words as the force that they are. Either a force for good, or a force for bad. I find this a pertinent thought in discussions about online etiquette, or friend groups, but also, in my own discourse with myself. Being impeccable with your word goes beyond what you way to others, and begins with how you speak to yourself. Ruiz, calls out the fact that much of our inner dialogue started as someone else's opinion of us, or expectation. Others not being impeccable with their word writes some of the code with which we use on ourselves, for better or worse. In seeking to help us understand the beauty and potential of the world, sometimes words can do the opposite and make us believe that we have little potential for growth or don't contribute to the beauty in the world. Both of course are lies, but being impeccable with your word begins in what you say to yourself, but extends to even correcting your assumption about the driver who may have cut you off, or the grocery clerk who dropped a can on your foot, or even your housemate who may not be able to understand the irritation their dirty socks cause you. Be impeccable with your word, allows us to live up to the best expectation of ourselves, which is we are not intentionally creating a poorer environment for those around us.
Agreement Number Two is Don't take Anything Personally. If you uncover a deep seated unhealthy view that you have that you could trace back to one specific person, it's hurtful. It is not immediately easy to just let it go and not take it personally, but the more you can see others actions as being a reflection of them and not YOU, you are able to let it not be personal and be able to forgive or be able to allow your own healing to take precedent. You believe others in your life, because as we have talked at length at this point, we agree to have others knowledge summarized in the form of opinions or knowledge transfer. Sometimes our belief that came from others we find to be inaccurate, and we can choose to repair our own thinking or dwell on the error we believe is within others. You have to trust yourself in the equation, that you are the one that you can control.
Agreement Three, is why we are reviewing this particular book. Do NOT Make Assumptions. Assumptions are what we think the world should be. Which is very closely related to expectations which is when we become attached to a particular outcome. The simple flaw with this plan is that our assumptions serve as shortcuts in our brain. We assume certain things can and will happen. We believe it as truth, because what we have expected and assume would happen often does. You assume that the floor will be cold in the winter. You assume red lights will turn green. You assume water will quench your thirst. Many times these are simple assumptions but they build a reservoir of trust in your brain that you can trust your assumptions to be true, which in theory is helpful. But when you assume that bad habits will stick around because you are bad at certain things, or you assume that one person who gave you harsh criticism for doing something you enjoyed, we let those assumptions rule our expectations and outcomes. We also have a habit of assuming things about others that end up being figments of our imaginations. You assume someone is too busy for you without asking, OR you assume that you understand what someone on social media's life may look like because you saw a particular moment of their life online. We assume actions and thoughts for others, and that becomes part of our truth dialog in our own heads. We have little way of knowing if that is the case, unless we outright have an honest conversation in which the other person feels like they can be honest. Brene Brown has the discussion tip, of talking about the stories we tell ourselves. She talks about starting personal conversations about "The story I am making up in my head". I find this to be a useful tactic when addressing these assumptions. The story I am making up about my own success, or the story I am making up about the bad guys of the world, or whatever the case may be. Our assumptions fuel our expectations. If we work at not assuming, we remove more of the ability of expectations to rule our lives. And that leads us down the path of better engagement with our lives. We can be freer to clear out the unwanted expectations, and fill it up with better hope and light!
Finally, Agreement four is Always Do Your Best. This seems like a sticker that you would get on a lower grade spelling test, or a pencil. Always do your best is a tagline of sorts, but Don Miguel Ruiz is quick to point out that when we are tired, our best may be at a differing level than on a day we are well rested, and well fed. Your best is a malleable and flexible point. Your best means at any given moment it could be completely, unpredictably different than it was a moment before. Really agreement 4 is one I need to go back and read and re-read and have the guts to check back in, because I want to continually progress, but I have to remind myself that learning new things puts me in the position of evaluating so many more things.
Here we are, we have our four agreements. We have a little bit about them, and now what do we do about a life that has the expectations we want to change. Don't set yourself with expectations about your expectations. I expect I will be able to deal with my huge fear of flying in a weekend. Or I expect my expectation that my kids perform all chores perfectly will just go away without effort. Remember the end of last weeks episode in asking you to just evaluate some of your expectations? What did you come up with. Do you expect a lot from yourself? Why is that? What is your motivation for doing so much? Do you expect too little from yourself? Do you not believe in your ability to do certain things because someone told you it was bad, or hard, or not your natural talent? You believe in yourself and others will believe in you too. Pay attention to the story you are telling yourself about YOU and then if it's not true, or even if you think theres a possibility it might not be true... change the rhetoric. Change the story to something you want to hear. You are all you need! Expectations for yourself, are not BAD, but editing the bad ones to be more productive or good makes life so much better!!
The book we talked about today was The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. If you have not read the book I have included links to purchase the book from retailers, or you can also check thriftbooks.com or your local used book store.
If you have made it this long, congratulations! I am so excited to announce our year anniversary give away. We want to say a big thank you to all our listeners, but we would love it if you would enter for a prize or two! In the next week every review left on the podcast page will receive two drawing entries for a $100 gift card, every additional tag or share of the podcast will receive an additional entry, and the two runners up will receive a copy of the book this month the Four Agreements! So excited to celebrate so, ready, set, GO SHARE!
Here's to hoping you play a little or a lot this weekend, even for 5 minutes.